i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I need to stop coming to work sober
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
