Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
