Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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