I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize