i already hear my dad disowning me
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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