if i can run in heels then i can drive
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
