so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
