You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
