Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
