I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
