I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
