...so i touched it.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
