I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
