is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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