dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize