I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It's not a walk of shame if you run
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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