People with herpes should wear stickers.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Cover your peen. We're going out.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
