I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
