CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
