thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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