hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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