Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
