I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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