I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
