apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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