no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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