And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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