Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
