if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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