great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Let's get the cat blown out
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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