dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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