Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
