every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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