Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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