did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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