Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
