i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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