I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
