You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
