I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Randomize
