one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
