fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
