I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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