You made me cry and you don't even care
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
