Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
