omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
