You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
