Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
