dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
