We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Let's paint friendship bongs
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
