you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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