I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
