Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
