i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
