According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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