I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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