I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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