I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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