My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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