I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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