brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize