I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
