A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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