i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize