he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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