how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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