Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
