Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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