we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Hippo gnu deer
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
