Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
